Quotes From STEPHEN WRIGHT :

The World According to Steven Wright

• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
• What's another word for "thesaurus"?
• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
• When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
• I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"
• I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
• I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
• I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
• I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
• I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."
• I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
• I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
• I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
• I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
• I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
• I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
• I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
• Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
• My school colors were clear.
• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
• I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
• My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
• I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
• My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
• He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
• Hermits have no peer pressure.
• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
• There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
• How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
• Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
• I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
• Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
• I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
• I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
• I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
• It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
• Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
• I'm a peripheral visionary.
• I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
• Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
• The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
• Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Link to Quotes From STEPHEN WRIGHT :